I am trying.

The house was quiet as I closed the door carefully behind me with a scroll in hand, but as I walked towards the staircase down to the kitchen, I heard some commotion from the next floor. I knew there was cleaning going on, Merlin knows this house needed it. Infested as it was with dark magic and goodness knows how many magical creatures that had bred here over the years, dust and dirt aside.

Hearing two deep voices rising in volume, I decided to head up and see what was going on.

In a room just off the landing, I found Sirius and Remus each holding a bottle of potion, sprinkling its contents on a stack of cauldrons in the far corner of the room.

"I think we need to call in the professionals, Padfoot," Remus said.

"Problems?" I interrupted them.

Sirius started and spun around at the sound of my voice.

Remus stared calmly at the cauldrons, obviously having heard my approach with his heightened senses. "That's putting it lightly," he replied before turning to me. "Hello, by the way."

I nodded at his hello and walked cautiously closer to investigate.

"We're not having a problem, Remus!" Sirius protested. "We just need more potion."

As I came close enough, I saw that all the cauldrons had holes in them and there were tiny mounds of... something. And – looking even closer – something moved! "What is that?" I recoiled.

"Chizpurfles," the werewolf answered. "Been festering here for years, feeding off of the cauldrons and a few old wands we found. They've also been living off of the electricity in the Muggle home next door." He pointed to the wall, which I now saw also had tiny holes in it. "Apparently, there's been issues in that house for a long time. They've had electricians over without finding anything. No one has been able to live there for too long, rumour says it's haunted."

I had no idea what he was talking about, elceticity? It was gibberish to me. "That's what chizpurfles look like? That's a large infestation."

"Which is why we need more potion," Sirius said, crossing his arms and holding the bottle up to read the label before glancing at me. "Can't you go out get us some?"

"I'm just here to drop off a report to Albus." I nodded towards the scroll in my hand. "And I really think you need the Pest-Sub Division for this."

"Report?" Sirius said, raising his eyebrows and giving me his full attention. "Or erotica?"

I just stared at him, refusing to blush. "Really?" I said when the silence dragged on. "Really?"

"I never pegged you as the type, really," Sirius continued. "But I guess it's ones you least expect. The quiet ones."

"Please stop, Black," I said, staring him down even though he was taller than I was. "Whatever you think is really none of your business, and I would appreciate it if you could just let it go." In the corner of my eye, I noticed Remus looking at me with an amused expression on his face. Before Sirius could say anything else, I changed the subject. "You need the Pest-Sub Division here."

He ignored me. "I find it very interesting, how dedicated you are to our cause."

I raised my eyebrows, he was not – "What are you implying?"

"I'm not implying anything. I'm just noting what I've seen and find that I'm interested to know more."

"You are implying something, and I don't like it." I crossed my arms over my chest, feeling a bit protective. "Whatever you think I am, I'm not."

Sirius' eyes held a mischievous glow, and I knew he wouldn't let it go. "I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it, I'm just curious."

Remus' head was going back and forth between Sirius and me as we spoke as if he was watching two keepers playing a solitary game of Quidditch – more like Keep Away – but with bickering and not with a Quaffle.*

"I am not going to tell you anything either way, so don't bother, Black."

"But –"

I cut him off. "Do you want me to turn you in? The evidence is not in your favour. It's in my power and it wouldn't cost me a single calorie."

There was a gasp from Remus, and I noticed he snapped his head to Sirius to gauge his reaction, just as much as I did. The escaped convict narrowed his eyes, and I knew what I had said was a low blow, but I just wanted him to stop. And what he said about me was not okay either. Yeah, I slept with Connell while on a mission for the Order, but I slept with him after I got the information I needed. It was just a consequence of two people with our kind of history being in close proximity.

"I'm sorry," I conceded and Remus' head snapped back to me. "I won't turn you in. But I don't appreciate what you're insinuating about me. You do not know the whole story, and it is not something you need to know."

Before Sirius had the opportunity to speak back, Molly came in and thankfully ended our discussion. "I thought I heard your voice!" she said to me and pulled me into a one-armed hug. "We're just about to go down for lunch. You have to join us!"

"Oh, hello, Molly," I greeted, stiffening a little. I still wasn't used to the hugging and touching and all the kindness these people showed me. "I'm sorry. I just came to drop off a report to Albus. I heard the commotion these two were making and had to investigate."

"But stay for lunch!" She looked me up and down. "You need to eat, dear. You don't have to go back to work yet, do you?"

"I actually have the rest of the day off, and I was–" The look on her face had me wavering. I glanced at the two men, and they too – surprisingly – looked expectantly at me. "And I would love some lunch." My mother would have been proud, had I still been in touch with her.

"Wonderful!" Molly let me go and looked us all over. "Lunch in ten minutes then." And she strode out of the room.

A slightly awkward silence filled the room, and eventually, Remus cleared his throat and spoke. "We need more potion," he said. "We can't exactly invite an exterminator into the headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix."

"Thank you!" Sirius threw his hands in the air.

"I can go get some for you after lunch, if you want," I offered, realising I was planning on spending my time off with people, instead of using it to recharge on my own before going to Azkaban next week.

"That would be very much appreciated."

Several days later, I was standing guard outside the Department of Mysteries. It wasn't exactly how I wanted to spend my Sunday evening. Especially when I would start my Azkaban rotation the following morning. It was incredibly boring – standing guard for Potter had been a lot more interesting. I had been outside, I had been able to see people, even if I had to stay out of sight. I had to be on the move if Potter wandered, and he did that a lot. It had been entertaining to see how all the Muggles behaved, though I had had to keep a strong hold on myself so I wouldn't turn the Dursleys into fruit flies.

But here, in the bowels of the Ministry of Magic, hidden by a Disillusionment Charm under an Invisibility Cloak, my mind had time to wander. And that wasn't a good thing these days, because while my mind was understandably occupied with thoughts of the war that was silently being fought, it also kept circling back to the Dementors.

Dementors were a natural part of my life, but in the current climate, and the scare of last week's attack... I had tried to carry on as if nothing had changed, but fear was creeping into my being, and it was a foreign feeling for me. I didn't know how to handle it, having repressed it and mastered it for so many years. The thought of going back to Azkaban the next morning scared me, and I really didn't want to go. He-who-must-not-be-named had been back for only a couple of months and the change in the Dementors was noticeable from day to day, so I dreaded seeing the change after I had been at the office of three weeks.

Sighing my heaviest in the quietest way I could, I leant back against the wall and tried to think of something else to entertain myself. But my mind hated me, and I reflected on the conversation I'd had with Albus the previous evening, after having been invited to Grimmauld Place for dinner.

"Albus, may I have a word?" I asked just as my former headmaster stood up to leave.

He turned around and smiled. "Of course, what is on your mind?"

"At the hearing," I began quietly as he swooped over to my end of the table and sat down in an available chair. "I was just wondering what they said about the Dementors being out of bounds." The few people left in the room and within earshot, seemed to perk up as they heard my request. Elphias stood up and took a seat next to Albus, and Sirius and Remus turned in their chairs. I glanced at all of them but gave my attention to Albus when he began speaking.

"Like I said earlier, they didn't believe that there had been Dementors out and about. No one said anything about Cornelius allegedly needing a guard. I didn't bring up the information you gave us and what Kingsley found out the next day, Harry's hearing wasn't the place for that. All Cornelius said was the Dementors are under the control of the Ministry of Magic." Albus mimicked Fudge's voice, and it was uncannily good. "If that is the case, there shouldn't be any problem for them to do an inquiry, to find out if any of their own is unfaithful or what could have gone wrong. Cornelius didn't seem too eager for that, but Amelia Bones will make sure it happens."

"Bones is a fair and decent woman," Remus commented.

Albus nodded. "She seemed to be the only one that took the trial seriously. But I had a private word with her afterwards, and she had been against turning the hearing into a fully-fledged Wizengamot trial."

"I expect they're coming out to the island then, to interrogate us and the Dementors." I sighed.

"Warn your colleagues." Albus laid a hand on the table in front of me, index finger tapping on the wood. "They need to be prepared."

"There's no need for that." I leaned back in my chair, crossing my arms over my chest and spoke fiercely. "We have dealt with the Ministry on worse occasions than this. They're not going to be able to pin this on us. If it had been any of us that worked a double life, the rest of us would have made sure that person got what they deserved."

Albus' face didn't show any reaction to my words, but the three others raised their eyebrows, and Sirius even smirked a little.

"You really are protective about that place, aren't you?" the former convict said.

"As would you have been." I stared into his grey eyes. "If you were responsible for containing the worst criminals in the wizarding world and some of the most dangerous creatures in the world."

Another thing to dread about the upcoming week. I had heard rumours that they had been out on the island, but they had yet to visit us at the office. My only guess was that if they planned on doing a proper inquiry, they would catch us all while we were out there. Maybe hoping it would loosen our tongues to be around the Dementors.

Again, my thoughts were back on them. I was afraid, and I was afraid of being afraid. I was not used to this emotion and it was crippling me. It was like a hand had plunged into my chest, grabbed my heart, and squeezed it. Squeezed it until all the blood ran out and I was left feeling cold and empty.

I moved away from the wall and heaved for breath, spots dancing in front of my eyes.

"Stop it, stop it, stop it," I muttered through gritted teeth, hands around my head as if I was trying to squeeze the anxiety out. It was just getting worse, and I had to find a way to get over it. I had to fight it somehow. Or I would lose my job and my soul.

I started walking back and forth, trying to think of something else. Looking back over what I had done this week, in minute detail. What the time had been when I woke up on Monday. What I'd had for breakfast. The news article I had read before bed. Lunch at Grimmauld Place on Tuesday. My mind stayed at that image. Conjuring up the long table in the dark, grimy kitchen. The tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches** Molly had served. The people around the table. The light conversation and the jokes and the laughter. Going out to get more potion for the Chizpurfle infestation, helping Remus and Sirius with it. My breath started coming in more normal, and I my heartbeat slowed down a bit.

This was a strange notion to me; the memory of a familial situation with – I guess – friends to calm me down. I had always been a loner and was used to people flinching away from me when they found out what I did for a living. The situations I found myself in when at Grimmauld Place or the interacting I did with members of the Order, it took me by surprise. And even more surprising, I was starting to accept them as an integral part of my life. So much so that they helped calm me down.

* Thanks to @catwoman2147 on tumblr for helping me with this!

** Food suggested by @thecapthebirdandthearm on tumblr.