This is crazy.


It had been more than two weeks since Remus and I had our sort-of conversation about what happened between us and I felt confident that whatever it was, was over and done with. I Apparated to Grimmauld Place, feeling some excitement about seeing people again. It had been more than two weeks since I'd seen any of them as well, other than the one I relieved from guard duty and the one relieving me.

The entrance hall was quiet as I opened the front door, but Tonks had apparently arrived just before I did and she squawked and jumped around when I greeted her, causing the portrait of Mrs Black to wake up.

"Filth! Abominations! Scum living in my house!"

"Oh sorry," Tonks said, cringing a bit at the insults echoing around the house.

Hurried footsteps came from the basement kitchen and Sirius bounded upstairs to shut up his mother's portrait.

"I'm so sorry, Sirius!" Tonks called after him, but he just grunted.

"And I'm sorry I frightened you, Tonks," I said loudly, to make myself heard above the besmirching the ancient and noble house of Black.

"It's alright. I thought I was the last one here," she explained.

"I took a nap before I came and it went on a bit longer than I had planned." I grinned sheepishly, then starting a bit as there was a loud bang from the floor above and Mrs Black's ranting was silenced.

Tonks and I wandered down into the basement kitchen, closely followed by Sirius, the light chatter of Order members now audible. Almost everyone seemed to be there and their eyes were on us because of the racket we had caused. I looked down at my feet as I stepped through the door while Tonks apologized.

"My fault," I said once Tonks was finished. "I accidentally frightened her."

"Don't worry about it," Sirius said from behind us. "I love shutting her up."

A few of the people around the table snickered and Tonks and I found our way to empty seats next to each other.

"Maybe we can start the meeting," Alastor said with a grunt. "Now that everyone is here." There was a murmur of agreeing sounds and the ones who had been lingering around the room found seats, nearly filling the entire table.

Alastor began by having Minerva tell us the latest news from Hogwarts and the new Defence Against the Dark Arts professor that the Ministry had appointed and how she had been made Hogwarts High Inquisitor after a new Educational Decree had been created by the Minister. Only three weeks into the school year and the Ministry was already starting to do what everyone feared – take over Hogwarts and undermine Albus.

It wasn't far into the discussion before I very much regretted sitting down in this particular chair. All through the meeting, I could hardly concentrate. I don't know if he had sat down in the available seat next to me on purpose or by "happy" accident. And I don't know if he did what he did on purpose or not, or if I just noticed it because of what we had done and had it been anyone else I wouldn't react at all. But every time Remus shifted in his seat, his knee would press against mine, his elbow would graze me. And one time his hand actually touched mine. It was driving me insane. I had no idea what had gotten over me. Whatever it was, it wasn't like me at all, and I didn't like what it was doing to me. It was like we were a pair of awkward teenagers testing the limits.

Doing my absolute best to focus on what was being discussed, I tried to exercise some of the mental control I used for Occlumency. Setting up a rock-hard barrier on the entire right side of my mind and nervous system, refusing to feel the unusually high body heat radiating off of Remus.

"– two weeks' detention."

"That's my boy," Sirius commented on Minerva's story. I was completely at a loss but figured it must be something involving Harry.

"Umbridge is dangerous, Black," Minerva said. "She is power-hungry, and – mark my words – she is going to make life at Hogwarts very difficult and Potter is better off to stay out of her way."

"How much can she really do with Albus there?" Hestia asked.

"As the Senior Undersecretary to the Minister for Magic?" The venom with which Minerva said that title, I'd say she was the dangerous one. "A Minister that is currently at odds with Albus and everything he does at Hogwarts? And as High Inquisitor of Hogwarts? She has the power to do more than any of us can imagine."

"She has a very dangerous and backwards view of the world, and she's willing to do a lot to shape it to her liking," Remus chimed in.

I glanced at him.

"Sounds like you know a lot about it?" Tonks leaned forward and looked past me to Remus.

His amber eyes rose slowly to hers. "Yes," he said and looked down at his lap. "She's not very fond of... half-breeds, as she calls them. Werewolves among them."

"She's responsible for the anti-werewolf legislation that came two years ago," Sirius explained, eyes on Remus, who was now staring at his fingers fiddling with a loose thread on his cardigan. I had read about that legislation, it made it as good as impossible for people with lycanthropy to get a job.

Minerva finished her report on Umbridge at Hogwarts and Molly started levitating dinner and plates onto the table. We all helped ourselves as Alastor continued with the next item on the agenda, news about He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. Each mention of the name had me trying to hide a shiver and I was very grateful to scoop up more of Molly's warm stew to settle my nerves. The warmth radiating off Remus on my right side also felt oddly comforting to me, even through the mental barrier I had put up. He was still close enough that our elbows sometimes touched when we ate, his knee sometimes touching mine, and it was all too distracting.

As everyone had finished dinner, leaning back in their chairs and chatting, I glanced at the grandfather clock in the corner and noticed with a sigh of relief that it was getting late. I slid to the edge of my sear, ready to get the hell out of there. I was getting antsy knowing I had three weeks at Azkaban coming up on Monday and I wanted to get some rest. But just before I could get up, Remus laid a hand on my arm and leaned forward.

"Third, fourth, left," he whispered as he passed my ear and then he removed his hand and engaged in conversation with Kingsley across the table.

I blinked a bit in confusion and looked around to see if anyone else had caught his actions, but it was a bit chaotic as Molly had started levitating dinner off the table.

"I think I'm going to go," I said quietly, stood up to pull on my cloak. "I need to prepare myself for Azkaban."

"Of course, dear." Molly began fussing as I moved towards the door and stopped me for a hug. "Go home and rest. Do you want some biscuits to go?" She was straightening the collar of my cloak and wiping away some imaginary dust from my arm.

"Oh, no thank you. It was all delicious, but I'm so full I don't think I need to eat until next year."

She swatted my arm playfully. "You're too kind! You take care of yourself."

I just smiled and moved to turn around and caught Remus' eye above Molly's shoulder. I wasn't sure what to do with the three words he had whispered to me, so I just snuck out of the room before I figuratively burst into flames. I rushed up the stairs, but as I walked across the hall to the front door, I slowed down and looked at the staircase leading upstairs. It was like I was stupefied for a moment, staring upwards. Footsteps sounded on the stairs from the kitchen and I had to move. Without thinking about it, my feet took me to the stairs and I hurried as quietly as I could up to the third floor.

This is crazy, I thought as I stopped at the top of the stairs, looking down the hall. I moved slowly towards the fourth door, heart beating wildly in my chest. My hand reached for the handle, but then I retracted it as if I'd burned myself. I couldn't just go in. So, I leaned against the wall next to the door instead, trying to calm myself down and convince myself this wasn't the worst idea in the world.

Waiting there felt like it took forever and I was starting to think I had misheard Remus when I heard footsteps walking quickly up the stairs, dearly hoping it was him and not Sirius or anyone else. I didn't even know where Sirius' room was.

"Hi." Remus was slightly out of breath when he reached the landing, but smiling slightly.

"Hi." I straightened up. He took a few long strides and before he could say anything else, I had grabbed him by the collar and pulled him into his own room.


As I rode my broom from the Apparition station and out to the prison to start my rotation at Azkaban, the anxiety and fear weren't as noticeable as I expected and I sent a mental thank you to Remus. I had my Patronus Shield up, and tiny tendrils of fear poked and prodded at my heart, but it was a little bit easier to ignore them. But that was only Monday morning.

The late September sun still shone brightly and managed to warm up the air during the day, but out on Azkaban it was chilly no matter what. And as the week went on, it was getting to me much more than it had ever done in my eight years working there. The chill seemed to stick to my bones and rarely felt warm enough even at home. It was getting harder and harder to get out of bed in the morning and I looked at the clock too often after lunch, counting down until I could go home. Working my three weeks at Azkaban used to be something I preferred over the three weeks at the Ministry, but not anymore.

Every day I heard the Death Eater prisoners call out for their master, urging him to come to rescue them. Every day the Dementors' influence grew weaker on the Death Eaters and stronger on the other criminals and us witches and wizards working there. Even though we didn't talk much about it amongst ourselves, I could tell that my colleagues were also becoming more and more affected. I knew Walter best out of all of them, and he was always the one who kept on working no matter what. He let nothing distract him and refused to stop until he was done with his task. But I noticed his mind wandering, he would stop what he was doing and fix his gaze on something outside the window or on some invisible phantom near the upper cells, his face often drawn. It broke my heart and that did nothing to help the anxiety and fear I now dragged around in what felt like a trunk full of rocks tied around my waist.

Halfway through my second week, I was getting antsy. I needed to get away, it was all becoming too much. I was cold and jumpy and anxious and could barely focus on anything. It came as such a relief when a wet and windswept owl pecked on the window to mine and Walter's office right before lunch.

Walter ran over and hurriedly opened the window to let the poor screech owl inside. It fluttered onto his arm and swayed slightly as he closed the window and carried it over to our desk. "It's addressed to you."

Raising my eyebrows, I reached for the bedraggled bird and pulled it gently over, untying the letter on its leg and letting it help itself to water from my goblet.

It was from the Auror Office. "There's some new evidence in the Black-case. They need me there to look through it." Walter looked up from petting the owl. "Huh, and they need me now," I added, folding up the parchment.

"I was starting to think that case would never be solved."

"Me too. Will you be okay without me? I'll probably be gone for the rest of the day."

"Yes, I'll be fine. You go help solve our embarrassing breakout. I'll send the owl on its way once it's dried up a bit."

I nodded and reached for my wand to clear away the parchments and quills, donned my cloak and renewed the Impervius Charm on it. "See you tomorrow!"

The relief of getting to go early was monumental. To get on my broom and fly away from the soul-sucking creatures, to feel the long fingers of anxiety ease up a bit the second I was outside the wards around the prison and able to land on the Apparition station and drop the Patronus Shield. Even though I hadn't felt my breath being constricted out on the island, it somehow felt like I could draw my breath again after holding it for hours.


Turned out the meeting at the Ministry was a waste of time. It was the same old story, some witches and wizards were convinced they had seen Sirius Black somewhere, and this time it had been made interesting by someone claiming he had kept them hostage in their own house for a week, with Dementors as guards. Of course, none of it was true, and now that I knew the truth about it all, it was very amusing to see what cock and bull people would come up with for attention. If it weren't for the fact that the relief of a few extra hours away from Azkaban did me good, and the fact that I saw Lucius Malfoy there – with the Minister, it would have been a completely wasted afternoon.

And that's why I made it onto the step of 12 Grimmauld Place, telling myself for the hundredth time that I had to make sure Albus knew that Lucius Malfoy had been meeting with the Minister again and that it was no way Kingsley or Tonks or even Arthur had seen and could tell him.

I tapped my wand to the door and had another moment of are you stupid as it swung open. Shaking my head and gritting my teeth, I walked inside and shut the door quietly behind me. It was my duty as a member of the Order of the Phoenix to do this. Even if Kingsley, Tonks or Arthur had seen and would leave their own messages, it was better that we all left the same message than none at all. Whatever other reason lurked at the back of mind, I pushed down and refused to acknowledge.

The house was quiet and dark. Now that the children were off at school, there was less and less activity in the house, mostly just Sirius and Kreacher, and Remus when he wasn't out mingling with the werewolves. Just the odd Order member stopping by to leave a report or a message to Albus or someone else.

I wandered across the hall and down the stairs to the kitchen. There were no sounds from there either, and no one but a small mouse scurrying across the floor as I opened the door. I stopped at the head of the long table, a sigh of disappointment leaving me. The cold fist of fear that had loosened a bit as I left Azkaban and even more since I made the decision to come here, tightened again. I gritted my teeth and took a deep breath, pushing it down. Then I stepped over to a cabinet by the wall where I knew held parchment, ink and quill and wrote down what I had seen at the Ministry. I laid the parchment on the table and gave the room a last glance before heading back upstairs.

But when I reached the hall, I didn't head for the door. Instead, I turned to the next staircase and slowly made my way up to the first floor and then the second floor. There, I paused on the landing, looking around, trying to convince myself to walk back down.

Suddenly someone said my name and I spun around, drawing my wand, aiming it at the figure on the next landing. Remus stood there, his hands in the air in mock surrender.

"Don't scare me like that!" I hissed, pocketing my wand.

"Sorry. Hello. I thought I heard someone."

I took a couple of steps upwards, seeing him clearer and noticed he looked tired and scruffy. A quick calculation in my head told me it was only four days until the full moon.

"Yeah, I just dropped off a message to Albus."

"On the stairs?"

"It's in the kitchen. I don't... I'm not sure what I..." I closed my eyes and shook my head. Breathing suddenly became harder, I heaved for air. My fists clenched.

"Are you okay?" Remus' voice was suddenly a lot closer. The hand on my shoulder made me gasp and snap my eyes open again. He was standing right in front of me. My breaths slowed down and something lit up inside me.

"I don't..."

Remus' nostrils flared and his hand slid down my arm and my fist unclenched the second he reached for it. "I think I know," he said and pulled me with him upstairs. Past three doors and in through the fourth. The air inside was cold and immediately surrounded me, making my heart constrict, it reminded me of Azkaban. The door slammed shut behind us and I jumped, my hand slipping out of his, my heart beating wildly again.

"You're easily startled today," he pointed out before muttering a few spells to the door. Then he stalked towards me and suddenly his lips were on mine. His hands wound around my back, pressing me to him, and he was so warm. Before I had time to kiss him back, he pulled back slightly. "Is this okay?"

I hummed in agreement, chasing his lips. We hadn't kissed before, which was a shame because he was so good at it and he tasted like chocolate and wood smoke. His tongue pressed against mine and then everything turned into a scorching blur. Clothes flew everywhere and I found myself falling back onto his bed, stark naked, not even sure when we had moved towards it, and he crawled after me, making me feel like prey for a moment. And then he was right above me and then inside and I sensed nothing else but him. Lips on my neck, one hand in my hair, the other claiming my breast. I had my legs wrapped around his waist and when I clawed at his back he grunted against my collarbone. He seemed almost feral in his behaviour.

I don't know what made him so goddamn special, but he seemed to reach places inside me I had no idea existed. I tightened my legs around him, heaving for breath and digging my nails into his back, trying to get him closer, deeper.

"Silencing charms?" I choked out.

He nodded against my neck. "Yes."

And I lost it. I convulsed underneath him, threw my head back and saw stars as I came loudly, scorching tongues of fire burst from my core. Remus didn't let me rest one beat, as he continued ploughing into me, chasing his own high and almost sounding like he growled every time he went deep. His movements seemed stiff and the little I could see of his face was contorted. But then, with a definite growl from deep in his belly, he bit into my neck and came. I think I came again from the bite and his animalistic behaviour, and I was completely out of it until Remus suddenly gasped and rolled off me.

"Oh Merlin, I bit you. I'm so sorry." I could hear the shame in his voice.

I reached a hand up to touch the tender area and felt small welts starting to form from his teeth. "It's okay. I don't mind." I looked at my fingers and when I saw no blood, I put my arm behind my head and turned to look at him. "I think I actually enjoyed it."

His head snapped around, surprise in his amber eyes.

"Is it because of...?" I asked.

He nodded. "This close to the full moon, a lot of... instincts come to the surface."

I couldn't help but smirk. "I think I like that."

His own lips flashed a quick smile.

"But I should get going," I said and sat up. "Thank you though. I needed this."

Remus nodded. "I could tell."

I began walking around the room, looking for my clothes, and pulling them on as I found them. "Can you make sure Albus gets my message?" I asked as I buttoned up my jeans.

"Yeah. What is the message?"

"It's all on the parchment I left in the kitchen, but Lucius Malfoy visited the Minister again today." I looked around for my bra and found it draped over a chair by the window. Remus stared as I pulled it on and adjusted myself. "They were in the cafeteria when I grabbed a bite before the meeting with Magical Law, and then I saw them again later in the atrium when I was leaving. They looked awfully chummy."

Expecting a reply, I halted the search for my jumper and glanced at the werewolf on the bed. He was staring at my bra, a small grin on his face. Good thing he was over his shame for biting me, but honestly... I put my hands on my hips and glared at him. "Did you hear what I said?"

"Yes," he said, eyes slowly moving up to meet mine. "Albus is supposed to drop by tomorrow morning, I'll make sure he gets the note about Malfoy and the Minister being spotted in the cafeteria and later in the atrium looking chummy."

"Thank you. Where's my jumper?"

He bent down over the side of the bed, grabbed something and tossed it my way. I chortled and pulled it on, fluffing out my hair. Just before I stopped to pull on my cloak, I paused and looked at Remus again. He was still staring and it was starting to annoy me. He wore a small grin still, and it was not appropriate for the message I had just delivered. I wanted to discuss it a bit before I left, theorise and badmouth Malfoy.

"Why are you staring like that?" I asked bluntly.

He blinked slowly and seemed to refocus. "No reason."

"You'll tell Albus?"

He climbed out of bed, stark naked and sauntered over to me. "Yes, I'll tell him."

I tried so hard to keep my eyes from wandering. "I'm going to go. Until next time."

Then Remus did something completely unexpected and laid one hand on the back of my head and pressed his lips to mine. For a long moment, he lingered, leaving me a little flustered. "Until next time."